Sox (2013)

With the exception of the incompetent, mostly excessive, occasionally lewd bad guys, this film is unmemorable. The dog doesn’t even properly talk!

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

Bound By Movement (2019)

An interesting film about some Parkour professionals touring the US, exploring what they get up to, their relationships, their accidents and why they do what they do. They go to some interesting places and get up to some entertaining hi-jinks but beyond that there isn’t too much to take away from this film. Parkour is a great athletic, energetic endeavor that kids and adults alike can harmlessly enjoy but this film is more focused on a pro just having fun with like-minded people. Whilst there’s nothing wrong with that it doesn’t add up to any sort of repeat viewing and the lack of learning anything else from the film leaves you feeling a little empty at the end.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 4/5

Christmas Break-In (2018)

Hmmm, there’s a whole lot of contrivances in this one and that’s meant in the context of most children’s films requiring absurd contrivances. 

The parents are dodgy and that’s ignoring the fact that these two look so unsuitable as a couple, and to add to that they are plain irresponsible. The older brother is dodgy and quite what ‘Drone Club’ is expected to achieve is absurd and only seems to exist so that it can be used as a later plot device. Said plot device demonstrates some poorly rendered CGI and leads to perhaps the only moment of levity in the film when, in the outtakes, there are numerous efforts to correctly land the snowboard. And above all that is that the main character is an annoying girl who dreams of being a rock guitar goddess but by the end you really hope she fails. 

Throughout the film you are left wondering who has the compromising photos of Danny Glover because it makes no sense why he would turn up to such a demeaning gig. He may be best known for Lethal Weapon and those days are long behind him but even Mel Gibson got better scripts after his public infractions, so Glover needs to fire his agent. 

And finally, the bad guys. They have read the manual on bad guys in kids films and rewrote it in spectacular fashion achieving a mark of Poor – Must try harder, in every category.

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

Puppy Swap (2019)

Even writing about this film makes you squirm uncomfortably.  Two dogs, a hick, a city girl, life changing event, dogs try to contrive a reunion, the end.

It's awful and even a push for the little one to like. She's just a sucker for a talking dog or two, irrespective of the plot around it.

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

2:Hrs (2018)

This film is cheap trash, made on the cheap in the back streets of London with some cheap sets and presumably some poorly paid actors, one of whom includes Keith Allen who must have been doing someone a favour. The premise, of a schoolboy with just two hours to live trying to achieve a bucket list, could have been so much better and yet the writers created such an unimaginative bucket list that if you still cared at that point in the film you instantly lost interest. The lead character starts off being unlikable, presumably so we see him go through a story arc we can empathise with, but 80 minutes later he was still obnoxious and irritating and was seemingly, too simply forgiven. Keith Allen looked to have literally web dialed in his performance, barely leaving his office to take part. The ‘bad guys’ were contrived from two local journalists and instantly became part of a criminal enterprise, driven by a story or money, quite frankly I couldn’t have cared and it didn’t matter anyway. They took the remit of displaying incompetence to new heights that must have been difficult to watch being filmed. This is the British film industry at its worst.

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

Bingo (1991)

This film is not a good film and yet it is hard to give it anything lower than a mediocre score because there are some amusing moments. Yes, the talking dog story is unoriginal and in this case it's all done telepathically to avoid having to use primitive 90s CGI. Yes the plot is emphatically awful. Yes, the bad guys are appalling stereotypes of these sorts of films, and then turned up to 11 in an effort to pretend it's not just to pay the bills. 

But above all that, respect it was made in the early 90s and Lassie and the Littlest Hobo have been and gone, and appreciate that talking dogs still work for kids, even today.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 5/5

Toy Story 4 (2019)

It’s hard to dislike the Toy Story characters so the studios are on to a winner before they even started, however, with this one it feels like they stumbled on the character of Forky. I didn’t care for him and just found his whining and desire to be considered trash annoying. I appreciate the attempts to address mental health issues in a children’s film but it felt like it was a relentless whine-fest whenever the character was on the screen. There were some other entertaining moments and the standout new characters were the ventriloquist’s dummies and the chick and rabbit, whose anarchic behaviour deserved more screen time.

At the conclusion it felt unsatisfactory, in the way that Toy Story 3 wasn’t, and it felt unnecessary. It didn’t seem to add anything to the overall story of the characters and was just emphasising that everyone needs to move on, a point TS3 made more than sufficiently. The fact that the outtakes provided more amusement to the child watching this than the film as a whole is usually quite a damning situation, so read into that what you will. 

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 5/5

The Lion King (2019)

We hadn’t watched the original Lion King animation so the story was a new one, albeit nothing original, and we did not have any baggage as far as the songs were concerned. This film is not about the story though, or even about the songs, it is about the incredible photo-realistic creations on the screen. 

The animal mannerisms have been rendered remarkably well, even if some of the behaviour (male lions rarely hunt) is unrealistic. Obviously putting to one side that they sing! Always a good judge of how impressive the CGI has been done is the behaviour of water on-screen and this does look very special. 

Although the film is unlikely to live long in the memory for its story or songs, because that moment has past, the CGI cannot be ignored.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 5/5

Sk8 Dawg (2018)

Whilst it should be hard to like a film with a skateboarding dog in it but this is a poorly written film, with wooden acting and the entire 90 minutes is a lead in the said SK8 Dawg.

It's not just the actors themselves who should be ashamed of their performance, but even the dog needs to attend acting classes.

That all said, it's got a talking dog so that always plays well with the children.

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

Dolphin Kick (2019)

This is no Free Willy, it's not even Flipper, it is a poorly made imitation. Whilst the story is not necessarily awful, the production is appalling. The editing is disjointed, the soundtrack seems to be from a different film and the sequence of images just don't hang together. The acting is poor, the beefcake widowed father unnecessary and the bad guys are just textbook. The climactic sequence is just plain dreadful, including the denouement where the baddie finds redemption. Allegedly the dolphin finds its pod and yet there's no evidence of this and to make matters worse, the boat the kids are on runs out of fuel and yet in the next scene it powers off into the sunset - such an obviously poor piece of plotting that the child noticed it immediately.

Stick to Free Willy.

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

The Adventurer: The Curse of the Midas Box (2013)

A stellar cast in a ludicrous adventure that has all the makings of spawning a series of films which was thoroughly enjoyed by the child. There's kids, magic, gold, evil, and whilst it's all over the top it is an enjoyable romp with Sheen as a mysterious hero saving the day. This is all about the drama, no japes to amuse, but it works and when it finished the child wanted more.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 5/5

Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

This is an unremarkable Christmas film which is hard to dislike purely because of how gentile and harmless the character of Ernest really is. The film works for the younger audience who are looking for Christmas entertainment because Ernest gets involved in enough comedic japes that are just plain silly. That silliness set in a Christmas theme guarantee a level of engagement, so whilst the film does not entirely fit the formula, Ernest could be considered a kid and Christmas the magic.

It's worth a watch at Christmas, just don't expect too much.

Adult score: 2/5

Child score: 4/5

Parental Guidance (2012)

Comedy greats should leave this sort of film alone or maybe the payout is just too lucrative to ignore. It's the usual dysfunctional kids and this time they are put in the care of the grandparents who struggle to provide adequate care in a modern world. Crystal and Midler are fine but the script does not give them much to work with. Some of the scenes which are supposed to demonstrate their 'fish out of water' existence are just plain painful to watch.

There's little original about this film and quite frankly little that's amusing. The japes and embarrassing moments will work for a younger audience but even they may find their attention wandering.

Adult score: 2/5

Child score: 4/5

Jingle All the Way (1996)

Was this made during the peak of Schwarzenegger's film career, or was it on the wane. He was clearly trying to appeal to the younger market, having done plenty of adult action films, but whether Turbo Man was the right vehicle is open to debate. The plot setup is formulaic but what continues to be painful throughout is the rivalry between Schwarzenegger and Sinbad. It becomes tedious and the more and more extreme sequences test your patience. The final sequence set during the parade is both elaborate and contrived but works successfully as a satisfying denouement. The slightly seedy element of the whole film is the neighbour's ongoing efforts to woe Schwarzenegger's wife. It feels uncomfortably dirty and the dirtiness seems unnecessary. Generally it will go over the head of a younger audience more interested in the silly japes of the feuding dads - let's hope so.

Adult score: 2/5

Child score: 4/5

The Big Green (1995)

The film tries a variation on the old theme of a coach taking a team of losers and trying to turn them into a success whilst they all learn life lessons along the way.

There is a mixture of children, each with their own problem that needs to be fixed along the way, and it all allows for pranks and vaguely comedic scenes. The adults equally have their own problems and we are treated to their efforts to be better people as we watch the kids evolve.

Some elements work, others are just cliches.

Adult score: 2/5

Child score: 4/5

Alaska (1996)

Whilst it only has the 'kids' aspect of the formula, the film goes one better by requiring them to look after a polar bear cub. What's not to love about an abandoned polar bear cub? Yes, there are ridiculous implausibilities and you should not use this film as a model to learn survival techniques but it is harmless. The scenes regarding the plane on the cliff end can be a little painful to watch,, and not because of the injuries, but there are enough polar bear cub scenes to melt the hearts of the younger audience and may even win over some of the adults. Just don't watch it expecting too much.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 5/5

Around the World in 80 Days (2004)

Mistakenly we thought that this film was about Phileas Fogg trying to win a bet by travelling around the world in 80 days. It actually is just a vehicle for Jackie Chan to show off his acrobatic and martial arts skills in a variety of locations. There is a love story running through the plot, and I don't mean Chan and Coogan, but it is all secondary, this is just about the Chan.

The action set pieces successfully entertain the younger audience, even if they could not care too much about the machinations being displayed on the screen. It's a different beast to the original with more emphasis on the adventure and comedy and these are solely dependent on Chan, Coogan is literally a passenger.

That all said, it works well enough and provides a satisfactory two hours of entertainment.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 4/5

Monkey in the Middle (2014)

This is awful film and would make anyone think that they could write a script good enough to be made into a film. The plot, rescuing a monkey from a dubious circus and then the monkey helps turn the kid's life around. Meanwhile, an appalling circus owner tries to track down his monkey because he was one of the few appealing aspects of his show. The acting is bad, the script is bad, even the montages of the football matches are poor with the repetition of scenes to pad them out.

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

A Street Cat Named Bob (2016)

The subject matter of this film, irrespective of the cat, gave a slight cause for caution, given the predominant theme of drug abuse, but it was kept at enough of a distance not to be an issue. There were very few questions from the youngster about the drug aspect of it because the focus remained on the cat. Not having read the book it was unclear how much of what was depicted was 'Hollywood' and how much 'truly' happened. Some of the events seemed a little 'over-emphasised' for the benefit of dramatic effect (the Big Issue patch encroachment ban) but there has to be these obstacles within the film to create the moments of tension.

The film was perfectly fine and kept the child quiet for some time. Hopefully it made her think about the challenges some people have in life. As for the cat, Bob did great.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 4/5

Patrick (2018)

Is Dogedy a legitimate film category? This film tries to carve out its own niche by trying to be a comedy which wins people's hearts by revolving around a characteristic dog. Sarah, whose life we are supposed to believe (a teacher yet she drives a Golf and lives in a swanky neighbourhood close to the picturesque parks of London), inherits Patrick and then has various adventures with potential suitors. There's the 'will she' 'won't she' shenanigans, dog-related mishaps and an ill-conceived participation in a fun run. If the run was a marathon her behaviour might have been more understandable but this is a healthy looking woman running a couple of kilometres and she behaves like she's run a marathon across the Sahara. That all aside, the younger audience cannot help but be seduced by Patrick and his antics provide plenty of entertainment to win them over. It only needs one part of the formula to succeed in this instance.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 5/5

The House with a Clock in Its Walls (2018)

We were slightly dubious about watching this as the trailers implied it was perhaps a little more scary than would be appreciated. As it was, there are a couple of scenes, when the evil baddie turns up, that created some temporary fear, but otherwise, it is all acceptable. There is a good rapport between Jack Black and Cate Blanchett and the magical elements of the house provide interesting distractions. The lead character, Lewis, is engaging enough and has enough quirks to follow his cause but as to whether it warrants a sequel based upon one of the other books is still out for debate.

The younger audience may find some of the scenes overwhelming or too scary but all in all the magical fun and the friendly armchair probably make it worthwhile. 

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 4/5

The Pacifier (2005)

Forget about the plot. It's a awful and implausible plot but then that's an irrelevance to make the formula successful. This film lacks the cats, dogs and magic but has plenty of kids and a duck, and the kids cover the various different traits, from mischievous baby to spoilt teenager. Vin Diesel fulfils the role perfectly well and easily switches from his role as an action man to that of the father figure. Using his gadgets and military know-how he attempts to tame the children and the message is clear as they also start to have an impact on him. It's a film with some entertaining pranks to keep the younger audience interested and even the action sequences are choreographed to provide maximum entertainment. It works for a while but is unlikely to warrant repeat viewing, so sit down with low expectations and you might be suitably rewarded. 

Adult score: 2/5

Child score: 5/5

Unaccompanied Minors (2006)

This film was something of a surprise hit and it was difficult to pin down the exact reason why. Yes there are kids and yes it is set during Christmas but the other elements of the formula are missing. The children get up to mischief, the adults are unlikable authority figures and afterall, it's Christmas! The actors can't really be criticised, they play their parts well enough and get involved in entertaining pranks. The younger audiences will readily engage with the characters and their humour and the older audiences, assuming they don't expect too much, will get a satisfying Christmas family film experience. It's not Home Alone but then it's not Bone Alone either.

Adult score: 2/5

Child score: 4/5

The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear (1991)

The first Naked Gun hit the mark but the second one didn't quite live up to expectations. We knew what to expect and yet somehow, the second time around, the visual gags had lost something of their zest and originality. Perhaps it was too much, an overdose on relentless jokes or perhaps it was just the law of diminishing returns and it was too much to expect a similar experience.

The visual jokes still worked and the innuendos had to be tactfully overlooked but all in all it was harmless fun. The scenes around the fertility clinic went on a little too long but thankfully there were no questions from the younger audience so it could be glossed over quickly.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 5/5

The Great Gilly Hopkins (2015)

The film takes a while to find its audience, in the early stages spending too long languishing in the miserable world of Gilly Hopkins and her rage against society. However, when it finds its groove and Kathy Bates joins the film, it starts to gather momentum. There are many messages to be found in the film, about friendship and family and the extended cast all contribute touching or amusing aspects that make it hard to resist engaging with them. Although it's more of a family film and not so much one to be targeted at those under 10 years old, there's enough maintain their interest to the end.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 5/5

Camp Nowhere (1994)

There is nothing too memorable about this film to suggest that it should be recommended to anyone else. It appeals to the younger audience through the mayhem of children at summer camp and their highjinks provide something of a distraction but the plot is thin and the message laid on a little too thick.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 4/5

Benji (2018)

This remake has two of the criteria for a hit children's film and what's not to love about Benji. He's scruffy and yet is whip-crack smart and saves the day on more than one occasion. We've watched the Littlest Hobo in the past and many of those story plots are rolled into this harmless film. It covers all the bases, from children in danger, to dogs in danger, to ruthless but clumsy crooks. It doesn't tax the brain, and requires little attention to stay in touch with the plot but delivers exactly what you would expect.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 5/5

Airplane! (1980)

Like The Naked Gun, exposing a younger audience to the likes of Airplane was a risk, again due to the sometime adult nature of the humour. And likewise, the younger audience is more likely to engage with the visual jokes and pay no attention to the more risque ones. It had the desired effect. The scale and rapid-fire nature of the jokes is exhausting but the film does not suffer for it. 

Having watched it many times in the 80s there were so many moments to look forward to, so many lines, so many scenes often repeated in lesser films. It's unlikely to stick to long in the child's memory and there wasn't a huge interest in watching the sequel (although nothing remains memorable about that film), but for 90 minutes we both enjoyed relentless jokes.

Adult score: 4/5

Child score: 4/5

Cop and a Half: New Recruit (2017)

Poor Lou Diamond Phillips. The heady days of Young Guns are far behind him and he is left having to participate in dross like this. The disgruntlement he displays in the film can only be a true reflection of how he feels about his career. This is a bad film only made worse for the precociousness of Lulu Wilson who can't do anything to retrieve a poor plot and script. Is that enough?

Of course, the younger audience can't help but be won over by a child getting one over on the adults, so they find it hard to be too critical.

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

Dr. Dolittle: Tail to the Chief (2008)

Eddie Murphy bailed long ago on this franchise because even he could not sell his soul to such drivel. This is a truly appalling film and yet it does manage to gain some traction with the younger audience because it has talking dogs and monkeys.

There's nothing to recommend here and no excuses from anyone involved, I'm sure they sleep comfortably at night.

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

This was a bit of a gamble. The film is a 15 certificate but the expectation was that the risque humour would be over the child's head and so we could just focus on the visuals. It worked. Naked Gun is an onslaught of visual and verbal gags, often more than one a minute. Ignoring the innuendos the younger audience can appreciate the pranks and silliness and thoroughly enjoy the film. Even now, 30 years after first watching the film, the jokes still stack up, a personal favourite being about Al having something in the corner of his mouth.

It's not often that the adult and child can both roundly appreciate a film but this is one of those instances and there aren't many films that can still hit the mark.

Adult score: 4/5

Child score: 4/5

Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001)

It's all about the bear and the occasional raccoon and that's it. This is not a great film and just continues the vein of the first by relying on the CGI to win us over. That will work for a younger audience but otherwise there is little of interest or entertainment to be found here.

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

Doctor Dolittle (1998)

This is a very different beast to the original Dolittle film. It lacks the songs, it lacks the imagination, it lacks the giant snail but it does have the benefit of CGI. Murphy and the plot as so very different but the younger audience won't care because there is a drunk monkey and cheeky rats. And that's what this film is. Whereas the original was all about the creativity of the animals, their relationships, their language, the songs and the doctor, this remake is only about the comedy of the CGI animals. Murphy does what he does in his usual over-exuberant style but as would be expected, he is over-shone by the animals.

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

Lost & Found (2016)

The appeal of this film was the mystery and on that front it delivered for the child. There was a more blatant message about family throughout and this is inescapable as the adventure unfolds. The story is silly, the acting is passable but the plot does the job with it's minor twists and turns and scares.

The film will come and go in anyone's memory but for 90 minutes it might just work as a distraction.

Adult score: 2/5

Child score: 4/5

Man of the House (1995)

Chevy Chase and Farah Fawcett do what they're supposed to do in this film even though they are just going through the motions of a dodgy 80s family comedy with a message. The feature which is hard to avoid is Jonathan Taylor Thomas, or more specifically his smile. Call it a trademark, call it a curse but damn it brings to mind a reason to wipe it off his face!

There's little here for an adult, but there's enough silliness to keep the child entertained for the running time, just don't expect the memory of the film to last long.

Adult score: 2/5

Child score: 4/5

Zoom (2006)

Tim Allen does what he does in the film, including that fake grin that he inserts into all of his film. The kid actors in the film are plain and simply annoying. They go through the stages of being unlikable before blossoming into the mature children they need to be to embrace their superhero skills. The film will not live long in the memory even for the junior audience and will be instantly deleted from the memory of any adult of sound mind. 

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

The Pink Panther 2 (2009)

Diminishing returns.

That's all that can be said. Martin is still playing the full, much to the entertainment of the kids, but there is nothing here for the adult audience.

Adult score: 2/5

Child score: 4/5

The Pink Panther (2006)

Steve Martin was perfect for this remake and in some respects his imbecilic behaviour is just what is expected of Clouseau by a younger audience. The child enjoyed this version more than the original Sellers version because it relies a lot more of idiotic pratfalls. The absurdist comedy entertains the child and the more simplistic plot makes it easier to digest. That makes this less of a film to engage an adult audience and suggests that this was specifically targeted at the junior audience. Whilst Martin can't replace Sellers as Clouseau he makes for some entertaining silliness that the kids can enjoy. 

Adult score: 2/5

Child score: 4/5

The Christmas Chronicles (2018)

This film has all the cliches of a Christmas film but CGI and Kurt Russell help bring it up beyond the usual dross. It works perfectly fine as a seasonal film but it does not have anything special about it which will distinguish it and allow it to stick out in anyone's mind. It would be hard to recall a specific magical moment and is unlikely to be remembered by a child in the same way that Elf sticks in the mind. It's harmless fun and whilst it's nothing special, it's head and shoulders above the usual rubbish pushed at every December.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 5/5

Revenge of the Pink Panther (1978)

Not having been deterred by the first film, and keen to see what antics Clouseau gets up to, the child wanted to watch more Pink Panther. 'Revenge' certainly has more silliness and there is more interaction with Cato, leading to more laughs. The plot has its absurdist moments and the different strands take some explaining to a youngster but ultimately that doesn't matter, a young audience is just looking for scenes of calamity. It's undoubtedly weaker than the original film but just about works.

Adult score: 2/5

Child score: 4/5

The Pink Panther (1963)

The theme tune was the reason the child wanted to watch this film and then strangely stayed with it. It's one of those films you think you've seen but as it turns out, it was new to everyone. Some of the plot was a little complicated to explain to an eight year old, particularly the bed-hopping, and it takes a long time to get to any key point in the story. The series is known for Clouseau's pratfalls and the jousting with Cato but they really only feature sparingly and are quite restrained.

There's little to keep a younger audience entertained until the theft at the ball at the end of the film but it's a stretch to expect a child's attention to last that long. This is a film for those wishing to appreciate the acting skills of the cast, in particular Sellers and Niven.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 4/5

Bone Alone (2013)

This is a truly awful film. At one point it was called 'Bone alone' but presumably it was too insulting to 'Home alone' so that had to rebadge the film. A dog has to protect the family home from crooks and engages it tricks and shenanigans to save the day. There's not much to add because the story, the script, and the acting are all poor. The film perfectly illustrates the formula (Kids + Cats + Dogs + Magic) required to entertain a child and with a dog undertaking highjinks and crooks playing the fools, the formula unfortunately works.

Adult score: 1/5

Child score: 4/5

The Secret of Moonacre (2008)

The strange thing about this film is that there is an English cast but everything else is Hungarian. Even the English countryside is Hungarian. This is an acceptable family fantasy film that has stolen traits from many films, most obviously the Narnia films in the guise of a black lion. The acting is fine, the story none too original but there is enough to keep your attention. There are occasional elements of humour that engage the younger audience and there is a temporary doggie death scene that may evoke child sadness but it all comes good moments later. There are some bizarre scenes with the cook, where the film is sped up, that don't seem to make sense, but it entertains the children, so just go with it.

The film is harmless and has a strong message about love, pride and loyalty, and whilst the tsunami with horses and a unicorn is inexplicable, move on and enjoy.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 4/5

Savannah Smiles (1982)

This is a gentle family film that is hard to be critical about, apart from some of the rather earnest acting at times from the authorities. The crooks are an entertaining pair and the dose of slapstick comedy wins over the younger audience. The little girl playing Savannah does not overplay her role to the point of being annoying so you can empathise with her. The film hammers home its message about parents taking the time out from their working lives to spend it with their children and is none too subtle about illustrating how the 'hardened' criminals really have hearts to be melted. It's harmless fun that looks as though it's going to end in a bloodbath of a shoot-out but this is the 80s so there is a more satisfying denouement. Expectations were not high but this is an enjoyable family film that eschews any swearing, sex or violence.

Adult score: 3/5

Child score: 4/5