The Town Christmas Forgot (2010)

This is a made for television Christmas feel-good film, that's all you need to know because you can draw your own conclusions from that and will not be far wide of the mark.

The implausibilities and ridiculous nature of the plot do not bare discussing, there are cliches oozing from every orifice. The acting is perfunctory from the main players and then is a sliding scale from there, to the point that you could believe that a film crew rocked into a destitute town to begin production and some locals drifted onto the set when nobody was looking.

You could blame the failure of this film on the absence of cats and dogs and magic but this would have required high-grade Magic Circle influence to conjure anything special out of such a lame premise.

There are no redeeming aspects to this film.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 4/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Nothing to say and no explanation to justify the high score

The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking (1988)

We went into this knowing nothing of the books (apart from the suggestion that the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo lead character had some traits for survival similar to Pippi) or background and the opinions on the final product could not be more polarised.

It's no use examining the plot or plausibility of the film, that's not what it's about. The film is an exploration of a child's imagination and how belief, passion and a lust to squeeze every last ounce of pleasure from life can reap positive rewards. Pippi's imagination knows no boundaries and even in the face of dire circumstances she remains unbowed and disappears down another fantastical tangent. It would be all too easy to suggest it's a tactic for suppressing traumatic events, borne of a dead mother, a fantasist absent father and a string of surrogate parents when it's clearly just a ginger-haired loner growing up in a derelict mansion, plagued by predatory adults and sharing a room with a monkey and a donkey.

The adult found this film thoroughly entertaining purely for its refusal to follow the standard structure of  children's films and to just throw caution to the wind - anything is possible goddamit and we're going to film it that way. The child just thought it was all a bit ridiculous, didn't buy into it and provided the lowest score to date.

Adult score: 4/5
Child score: 1/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Rubbish

Prancer Returns (2001)

As with a lot of these films (also see the Snow Pups/Space Pups series or Air Bud), the formula from the original film is taken, still warm, it's been barely regurgitated, but with different actors, perhaps a different location or timeframe. There's little improvement from Prancer, more a loss as Sam Elliott is no longer involved, and the acting talent on display try to sound and look vaguely convincing but they will not be needing to build a cabinet for their awards anytime soon and the scriptwriter has given them little to go on.

Son of reindeer, disaffected child, grumpy neighbour (Jack Palance providing the historical acting aura and gruffness in the absence of Elliott), snow, Christmas, happy ending.

It's harmless but just not any good.

Adult score: 1/5
Child score: 4/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Just the same as the first

Prancer (1989)

This is the innocent sort of Christmas film which is hard to hate. The story is unremarkable and full of the usual Christmas film tropes but it seems acceptable, perhaps because Sam Elliott is archetypal gruffness or perhaps just because you signed up for a magical Christmas film so sit back and go with it.

Adult score: 3/5
Child score: 4/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: People should watch it

Shelby (2014)

This is not a terrible film it's just not really any good. It employs two of the key components, a boy and a dog, with the addition of Christmas, but it all really amounts to nothing. The saccharine American family, with underachieving, emotionally unstable children try to reconcile the reality or fantasy of Santa and the obstacle to happiness is the local dog catcher. It's all standard fare, with Tom Arnold and Chevy Chase well aware that their careers have declined to this paycheck collecting low, but happy to deliver the odd line designed to show the parents the writers and producers do have a sense of humour and are just churning this stuff out to please the execs.

Adult score: 2/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: We've watched that before.

Santa Paws 2: The Santa Pups (2012)

It's academic to talk about the plot for this film. There are some pups who do not listen to their mother, cause Christmas mayhem and low grade rioting, and have to be rescued by Santa's Elf, in the course of saving Christmas goodwill. The twist from the first of the Santa Paws films is that there are numerous song and dance routines thrown in for entertainment value and to lengthen the running time of a painfully slow film.

The acting is perfunctory at best and the local telephone exchange must have been melting under the intensity of so many parts being phoned in by the actors. Not even the usually reliable formula of kids and cats and dogs and Christmas magic can save this one.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 4/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Can I have some apple juice please?

A Dog for Christmas (2015)

Poor Dean Cain, where did it all go wrong after Lois and Clark's heroic adventures? In this spectacularly risible film he plays the part of the mastermind in a pair of bungling burglars and if you squint hard enough when watching you can see a part of him dying inside everytime he's expected to deliver a poor line or act the fool.

This film is nothing more than Home Alone (Bone Alone anyone?) but Macaulay Culkin has been replaced by a Golden Retriever, which is an ex-police-dog suffering from PTSD and therefore unable to bark. We're not given the backstory to explain the traumatic complexities but it must have been fairly significant given the distant look in the dog's eyes.

A further perplexing element of this film is just how the central family are able to afford such a large house. The wife if apparently a seamstress and the husband seems to do nothing but prance about the house and walk the dog. Beyond this the extent of the Christmas decorations around the house is utterly ludicrous. It would have taken days, cost exorbitant amounts of money and quite frankly looks garishly showy but we are expected to accept this without question. And whilst we're on the subject of absurdity, who was that large ginger-haired man hanging around the daughter? Of course we're not expecting an exact genetic match between the actors but this guy, who was supposed to be the older son (although there was a strange mysterious line in the script suggesting his origins were unknown), just plain looked as though he'd got lost on his shift from Dominos and had been asked to hang around and fill in where he could.

This is all undeniably rubbish and could easily have made its way into the top three.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 4/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: It's just like Home Alone

Beverly Hills Christmas (2015)

The prospects for this film were poor from the start, with the suggestion that we have not had enough of being asked to empathise with a spoilt rich kid undergoing a redemption. Things quickly plummeted when, early on, little effort was made to make the only action sequence of the film in anyway dramatic. In the blink of an eye a character is dead, move on, oh and by the way, the fact that they're talking to someone in a white suit means the story is in someway connected to heaven. The inexplicable plot, too ridiculous for even a seven year old to make sense of, pales into insignificance when you realise that the man in the white suit is none other than Dean Cain. Not only does Dean need to find himself a new agent but he also needs to spend some more time with a personal trainer.

The film is spectacularly awful with one redeeming scene illustrating that those producing this have a sense of humour. It turns out that the school principal is actually the brother of Dirty Harry. Not only is there a direct reference in the script but there are some Harryesque one-liners and as gravelly a voice as the actor could muster.

Adult score: 1/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Hmmmm

Robo-Dog (2015)

There's no reason to sugarcoat this, Robo-Dog is truly awful. The acting starts at an incredibly low level in the opening scene and never makes an effort to stretch beyond that. Wallace Shawn is an actor you've seen in many films this poor, where he plays characters this transparent, but even he must have questioned whether it's worth turning up to the office. Speaking of the office, the scenes claiming to be shot in his high-tech research laboratory were done on such a cheap scale that even children's science programmes look more convincing.
Plot spoiler ahead.....the real dog, imaginatively called Dog, dies, through overheating in a hot attic, trapped whilst chasing a ball. The scene is done with so little explanation that whilst it's clear, after the event, that the dog is dead, the film chooses to dance around it for fear of touching on a serious topic.
The only redeeming feature in the entire debacle is the installation of vacuum in the dog's butt, but that merely emphasises the level the film is operating at.

Adult score: 1/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Speechless

D.A.R.Y.L. (1985)

In a world post-E.T. and Tron the movie studios were struggling to ensure that technology was part of the film formula and D.A.R.Y.L. tries to combine children and robots but it's all a bit dated in execution. The audience are led on a merry dance until it is revealed that Daryl is not all he seems but by then even a seven year old can work it out. The language is somewhat spicy for a PG in the 80s but the acting is decent enough, the bond between the kids is convincing and when Daryl takes control of his own destiny the film sweeps to a pleasing climax. It's all very silly and the technology, computer graphics and mainframe computers look incredibly dated, making Kubrick's A.I. look all the more outstanding.

Adult score: 3/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "It was okay"

Emma's Chance (2016)

Although this film only contains one of the critical elements of success in a children's film, the cats and dogs elements are replaced by horses, and with positive results. The plot is nothing taxing, and the characters mainly stereotypical - selfish friends, jock boys encouraging bad behaviour, nasty rivals, ranch-hand dedicated to the cause. That said, it moves along without dwelling on too much mush. The training montage is much shorter than 'Rocky's' but overall the film doesn't overstay its welcome and rattles to the inevitable conclusion in an economical fashion.

This film is perfectly harmless and whilst it won't change the world it kept a little girl happy for 90 minutes.




Adult score: 4/5
Child score: 4/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Liked it."

Monkey Up (2016)

This is a truly awful film with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Made by the same people that brought the world Air Bud and the sequels, which were passable, this has tarnished their reputation. The Air Bud series, Snow Pups series and even Space Chimps all are vastly better than this film. Why? They are not trying too hard to be something, they have a tried and tested formula, they don't try to make the audience love them ,the audience knows what they're going to get when they start watching. No amount of references to social media, pop television or Hip-Hop can make this film connect with the audience, it's dead in the water from the start.

The plot is lightweight, with some storylines (and I use that term lightly) just ignoring contrivances or implausibility (and that's in a movie with a talking monkey!), the script is poor and the acting just pedestrian at best.

Adult score: 1/5
Child score: 4/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Good"

Benji (1974)

What's not to love about a dog that runs around a lot wagging his tail, is friends with everyone, is a bit mischievous and has a girlie he's sweet about?

This is the original family friendly film about a cunning dog who saves the day when two children are kidnapped by some particularly inept criminals. There's genuinely loads and loads of running, a bad script and dodgy acting, and plenty more running. There's even a scene of dog cruelty when one of the bad guys lashes out at Benji's girlfriend but (spoiler!) everything works out okay in the end.

Adult score: 4/5
Child score: 4.5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Benji is cute."

Flight of the Navigator (1986)

Obviously piggy-backing on the success of ET a few years earlier, this film tries to emulate that masterpiece through the inclusion of children, aliens, spaceships and the menace of Government authorities.
The plot at least starts with some mystery and then becomes a little lightweight hinging on an alien species intelligent enough to have flown 500 light years across space but a bad enough pilot to hit some electricity pylons.
The lead child is convincing enough, even if the adults around him know the weakness of the plot, and Sarah Jessica Parker is almost upstaged by RALF, a robot with a ridiculous acronym.
The alien spaceship pilot offers some interest and the creative department must have had some fun coming up with the alien species gathered from other planets.



Adult score: 3/5
Child score: 4.5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "I liked the little alien thing hidden in his bag."

The Wilderness Family (1975)

They don't make films like this anymore and whilst some may shout "Good job!", there is a beautiful innocence about 'The adventures of the wilderness family' that makes it a pleasure to watch.

Don't get me wrong, the setup is plainly absurd. To sum things up in a nutshell if anything were to happen to 'Crust' (a bizarre and never explained name for the dog) the Superdog, the family would all be dead. He saves their lives at least six times, taking on wolves, bears, cougars and bears again and again, all without sustaining any injury. The family befriend bear cubs, cougar cubs, and a fully grown grizzly (Samson) becomes their guardian in return for some cookies.

The house they build looks quite impressive but upon closer inspection it's hard to see how they could have constructed it given there was little manual labour available (perhaps Crust and Samson lent a hand when things were quiet). Further scrutiny revealed that as soon as a breeze gets up the roofing tiles blow away like their made of paper, there's a six inch gap at the foot of the front door and the lack of exterior shutters is nothing short of negligent.

In amongst all of this the microphone boom operator was perhaps so distracted by the implausibility of it all that he failed to adequately control the microphone dropping into shot repeatedly in the first half of the film. It seems to stop halfway through so perhaps the cougar ate him.

Criticism aside, it was a pleasant watch, the Child loved all of the animals and their jolly japes and the jeopardy was not significant enough to scare her. Nowadays the children would have been on anti-depressants, seeing a psychiatrist and suffering from grass allergies; the husband and wife would have had one or other of the child from a previous relationship and the less said about Boomer the mysterious prospector and his donkey the better.

Adult score: 4/5
Child score: 4/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "I liked the raccoons and bears."

Nativity! (2009) & Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger! (2012) & Nativity 3: Dude, Where's My Donkey?! (2014)

These films are an exercise in human endurance. The creators have applied every aspect of the formula, with the donkey being the variation on the cats and dogs theme.

The first film played upon the endearing charm of sweet children from the Midlands, transforming from talent-less urchins to Broadway scene-stealers, against the backdrop of Christmas.

We have that one from Lord of the Rings and the other ones from The Office and The Wire (with screen time surely less than three minutes cumulatively), but none of them are really trying. To be honest, they don't have to. We are expected to go 'ahhh' and 'ohhhh' as the children experience the peaks and troughs of fame and fortune and by the end of it all any parent will have imagined themselves in the audience at Coventry Cathedral celebrating the success of their child.

This film is dreadful but the Child absolutely loves it. Personally I've accumulated nearly four viewings now and there's been many a dispute where I've refused to watch it again.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Catch we watch it again?"

Nativity! however looks exemplary when compared to Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger! I'm not sure they tried. The budget must have been slightly larger, to have been allowed alternative locations and the introduction of David Tennant but even he seems constantly bewildered as to where he is and what he's doing. He certainly needs to have words with his agent because post-Doctor Who should not consist of this sort of dross, surely even Sylvester McCoy had better fare.

The plot is the same as the first, just in a different location with different actors and the same cretinous Mr Poppy.

Again, this is unquestionably popular with the Child but fortunately I've only managed to achieve two complete viewings with the odd additional scene here or there.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Is there another one?"

And somehow someone decided there should be another one. Once again, same plot, different actors, but with the revolutionary spin of introducing the world to flash mobs, about five years after people got tired of them. At least the performers of the dances can walk away with some credibility, mainly given that a poorly conceived film has been shaped around their routines.

Martin Clunes dragged himself away from dogs and Doc Martin to humiliate himself  and be upstaged by poor fashion choices and a donkey.

Perhaps the only redeeming feature is that it's only 109 minutes long and is the shortest of the three. Somewhat incredibly this film is still £5 on eBay so we haven't had to endure the repeat viewings quite as much....but coming soon to a car boot near you....

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Can we watch Nativity?"

Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2008) and its sequels

Whilst this film may have two out of the four elements of children's movie magic it has struggled to find itself a place in Child's heart. The creators are shameless in their efforts to present us with a wide variety of dogs and a couple of teens, to crank up the cute factor but I doubt even a child could care enough to get engaged. No effort has been made with the script, the producers know what they're doing and tick the boxes from beginning to end.

We watched this is a moment of Christmas movie madness and the frenzy did not end there, we went for broke and moved onto the sequel instantly. Now, it wasn't the stereotypical Christmas sherry influencing the comprehension but I think we were an hour into the film before I realised that the lead actress had changed since the first film. Good for her, cutting her losses whilst the going was good and heading for more fertile productions on the small screen.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Is there another one?"

And the pain goes on.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Is there another one?"







Not wishing to spoil things we elected not to rush into the third film, the premise of Mexican immigrant dog/worker and the wealthy westerner dog/rich girl is lame, tired and barely gets off the ground but for the occasional dog smile. They're all awful films and the mixture of dogs and children cannot save them.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 2/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Can we play now?"

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (2015)

It's difficult to know how to explain this film without descending into the obvious suggestions that the writers had indulged in narcotics when it came to putting the screenplay together. They also must have had some compromising photographs of Antonio Banderas because why else would he sell out in something like this. There's poking fun at yourself with the Spy Kids films but this is in a league of its own.

Perhaps the missing piece for our household was that we'd never watched the cartoon series but either way we were utterly clueless as to what was happening. Normally when a child asks you to explain what's going on in a film you can piece something credible together no matter how risible the content, but not in this case. It's questionable as to whether it is zany, madcap, bizarre, stoner or just ridiculous but either way it makes no sense, but then I don't think it's supposed to.

It's not possible to judge what the Child thought, she was utterly speechless.


Adult score: 1/5
Child score: 2/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Nothing, complete silence.

Little Savages (2016)

This film has the staples of a kids adventure film - sulky teenager, local dim-witted bullies, an evil wealthy businessman, a nerd and a gang of local oddballs who bond when the plot requires.

Ignore the poor dialogue and the weak, over-the-top 'zaniness' of the simple bullies, just enjoy this low-grade version of 'The Goonies' meets 'Stand by me.'

Many scenes don't make sense, the plot skips over some of the more ridiculous coincidences but just go with it, it's harmless.

It was never going to set the box office alight but for the most part it kept the Child's interest and there's something to be said for that.

Perhaps it's failing was a lack of animals, it had kids and magic but no comedy cats or dogs!

Adult score: 3/5
Child score: 5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Liked it

The Secret Garden (1993)

Not the first adaptation of the book, and I've not watched the others, but this is a perfectly nice film. No jeopardy, no threat, no violence, just a nice story, fairly well acted without clumsy plot contrivances or poor dialogue.

Adult score: 4/5
Child score: 5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Very little but when quizzed further a thumbs up was presented.

Postman Pat: The Movie

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, and oh dear again. Someone thought this was a good idea and the actors involved were obviously able to swallow their shame and bank the cheque. Everything appalling about this film aside the most jarring aspect is that when Pat sings in the competition it preposterously switches to Ronan Keating singing. It's so dramatically different that it nearly suggests the plotline is Pat sings along to a pre-recorded backing track. It's an insult to the viewer's intelligence.

The additional absurdity is that the Pat-Bots, robot versions of Pat destined to take over the postal industry, are truly menacing for small children, with their wide evil grimace and penetrating red eyes. The less said about Jess-Bot and his laser-bolt eyes the better.

Despite all this the film did pass the Kermode six laugh test for the Child when Jess has a serious of mishaps.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Absolutely nothing....for some time.

101 Dalmatians (1996)

The classic story retold with real actors and animals that don't talk but I'm not sure the gamble/cash-in paid off. Jeff Daniels and Joely Richardson play their parts, that of clichéd London residents who otherwise only seem to exist in a Richard Curtis film, and we get a minor tour of London sights but the plum role is that of Glenn Close. She plays the menace well, causing a few nerves for the child viewer, but is deliciously over the top draped in the trappings of her skin trade. The child emitted no laughs and just one "Oh" of sympathy for Lucky's plight but at least maintained interest throughout. It was nice to see Hugh Laurie and Tim McInnerny reprising some moments of idiocy from their Blackadder days.

Adult score: 3/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Why was the mummy dog barking so much?"

Molly Moon and the Incredible Book of Hypnotism

Molly Moon meets three of the basic principles in that there is an orphan, a mad-eyed dog and acts of hypnotism which involve people's eyes turning green when they're under the influence. It's a perfectly harmless film with a couple of laughs based around madcap animal behaviour but is largely formulaic in delivery. The young actors play their roles well enough and the adults take their cheques with little effort or concern for the end product. Joan Collins gives it a go at menacing but this cannot distract you from the work/make-up miracles on display.


Adult score: 3/5
Child score: 4/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Are there any more of those films?"