The Wilderness Family (1975)

They don't make films like this anymore and whilst some may shout "Good job!", there is a beautiful innocence about 'The adventures of the wilderness family' that makes it a pleasure to watch.

Don't get me wrong, the setup is plainly absurd. To sum things up in a nutshell if anything were to happen to 'Crust' (a bizarre and never explained name for the dog) the Superdog, the family would all be dead. He saves their lives at least six times, taking on wolves, bears, cougars and bears again and again, all without sustaining any injury. The family befriend bear cubs, cougar cubs, and a fully grown grizzly (Samson) becomes their guardian in return for some cookies.

The house they build looks quite impressive but upon closer inspection it's hard to see how they could have constructed it given there was little manual labour available (perhaps Crust and Samson lent a hand when things were quiet). Further scrutiny revealed that as soon as a breeze gets up the roofing tiles blow away like their made of paper, there's a six inch gap at the foot of the front door and the lack of exterior shutters is nothing short of negligent.

In amongst all of this the microphone boom operator was perhaps so distracted by the implausibility of it all that he failed to adequately control the microphone dropping into shot repeatedly in the first half of the film. It seems to stop halfway through so perhaps the cougar ate him.

Criticism aside, it was a pleasant watch, the Child loved all of the animals and their jolly japes and the jeopardy was not significant enough to scare her. Nowadays the children would have been on anti-depressants, seeing a psychiatrist and suffering from grass allergies; the husband and wife would have had one or other of the child from a previous relationship and the less said about Boomer the mysterious prospector and his donkey the better.

Adult score: 4/5
Child score: 4/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "I liked the raccoons and bears."

Nativity! (2009) & Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger! (2012) & Nativity 3: Dude, Where's My Donkey?! (2014)

These films are an exercise in human endurance. The creators have applied every aspect of the formula, with the donkey being the variation on the cats and dogs theme.

The first film played upon the endearing charm of sweet children from the Midlands, transforming from talent-less urchins to Broadway scene-stealers, against the backdrop of Christmas.

We have that one from Lord of the Rings and the other ones from The Office and The Wire (with screen time surely less than three minutes cumulatively), but none of them are really trying. To be honest, they don't have to. We are expected to go 'ahhh' and 'ohhhh' as the children experience the peaks and troughs of fame and fortune and by the end of it all any parent will have imagined themselves in the audience at Coventry Cathedral celebrating the success of their child.

This film is dreadful but the Child absolutely loves it. Personally I've accumulated nearly four viewings now and there's been many a dispute where I've refused to watch it again.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Catch we watch it again?"

Nativity! however looks exemplary when compared to Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger! I'm not sure they tried. The budget must have been slightly larger, to have been allowed alternative locations and the introduction of David Tennant but even he seems constantly bewildered as to where he is and what he's doing. He certainly needs to have words with his agent because post-Doctor Who should not consist of this sort of dross, surely even Sylvester McCoy had better fare.

The plot is the same as the first, just in a different location with different actors and the same cretinous Mr Poppy.

Again, this is unquestionably popular with the Child but fortunately I've only managed to achieve two complete viewings with the odd additional scene here or there.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Is there another one?"

And somehow someone decided there should be another one. Once again, same plot, different actors, but with the revolutionary spin of introducing the world to flash mobs, about five years after people got tired of them. At least the performers of the dances can walk away with some credibility, mainly given that a poorly conceived film has been shaped around their routines.

Martin Clunes dragged himself away from dogs and Doc Martin to humiliate himself  and be upstaged by poor fashion choices and a donkey.

Perhaps the only redeeming feature is that it's only 109 minutes long and is the shortest of the three. Somewhat incredibly this film is still £5 on eBay so we haven't had to endure the repeat viewings quite as much....but coming soon to a car boot near you....

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Can we watch Nativity?"

Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2008) and its sequels

Whilst this film may have two out of the four elements of children's movie magic it has struggled to find itself a place in Child's heart. The creators are shameless in their efforts to present us with a wide variety of dogs and a couple of teens, to crank up the cute factor but I doubt even a child could care enough to get engaged. No effort has been made with the script, the producers know what they're doing and tick the boxes from beginning to end.

We watched this is a moment of Christmas movie madness and the frenzy did not end there, we went for broke and moved onto the sequel instantly. Now, it wasn't the stereotypical Christmas sherry influencing the comprehension but I think we were an hour into the film before I realised that the lead actress had changed since the first film. Good for her, cutting her losses whilst the going was good and heading for more fertile productions on the small screen.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Is there another one?"

And the pain goes on.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Is there another one?"







Not wishing to spoil things we elected not to rush into the third film, the premise of Mexican immigrant dog/worker and the wealthy westerner dog/rich girl is lame, tired and barely gets off the ground but for the occasional dog smile. They're all awful films and the mixture of dogs and children cannot save them.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 2/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Can we play now?"

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (2015)

It's difficult to know how to explain this film without descending into the obvious suggestions that the writers had indulged in narcotics when it came to putting the screenplay together. They also must have had some compromising photographs of Antonio Banderas because why else would he sell out in something like this. There's poking fun at yourself with the Spy Kids films but this is in a league of its own.

Perhaps the missing piece for our household was that we'd never watched the cartoon series but either way we were utterly clueless as to what was happening. Normally when a child asks you to explain what's going on in a film you can piece something credible together no matter how risible the content, but not in this case. It's questionable as to whether it is zany, madcap, bizarre, stoner or just ridiculous but either way it makes no sense, but then I don't think it's supposed to.

It's not possible to judge what the Child thought, she was utterly speechless.


Adult score: 1/5
Child score: 2/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Nothing, complete silence.

Little Savages (2016)

This film has the staples of a kids adventure film - sulky teenager, local dim-witted bullies, an evil wealthy businessman, a nerd and a gang of local oddballs who bond when the plot requires.

Ignore the poor dialogue and the weak, over-the-top 'zaniness' of the simple bullies, just enjoy this low-grade version of 'The Goonies' meets 'Stand by me.'

Many scenes don't make sense, the plot skips over some of the more ridiculous coincidences but just go with it, it's harmless.

It was never going to set the box office alight but for the most part it kept the Child's interest and there's something to be said for that.

Perhaps it's failing was a lack of animals, it had kids and magic but no comedy cats or dogs!

Adult score: 3/5
Child score: 5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Liked it

The Secret Garden (1993)

Not the first adaptation of the book, and I've not watched the others, but this is a perfectly nice film. No jeopardy, no threat, no violence, just a nice story, fairly well acted without clumsy plot contrivances or poor dialogue.

Adult score: 4/5
Child score: 5/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Very little but when quizzed further a thumbs up was presented.

Postman Pat: The Movie

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, and oh dear again. Someone thought this was a good idea and the actors involved were obviously able to swallow their shame and bank the cheque. Everything appalling about this film aside the most jarring aspect is that when Pat sings in the competition it preposterously switches to Ronan Keating singing. It's so dramatically different that it nearly suggests the plotline is Pat sings along to a pre-recorded backing track. It's an insult to the viewer's intelligence.

The additional absurdity is that the Pat-Bots, robot versions of Pat destined to take over the postal industry, are truly menacing for small children, with their wide evil grimace and penetrating red eyes. The less said about Jess-Bot and his laser-bolt eyes the better.

Despite all this the film did pass the Kermode six laugh test for the Child when Jess has a serious of mishaps.

Adult score: 0/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: Absolutely nothing....for some time.

101 Dalmatians (1996)

The classic story retold with real actors and animals that don't talk but I'm not sure the gamble/cash-in paid off. Jeff Daniels and Joely Richardson play their parts, that of clichéd London residents who otherwise only seem to exist in a Richard Curtis film, and we get a minor tour of London sights but the plum role is that of Glenn Close. She plays the menace well, causing a few nerves for the child viewer, but is deliciously over the top draped in the trappings of her skin trade. The child emitted no laughs and just one "Oh" of sympathy for Lucky's plight but at least maintained interest throughout. It was nice to see Hugh Laurie and Tim McInnerny reprising some moments of idiocy from their Blackadder days.

Adult score: 3/5
Child score: 3/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Why was the mummy dog barking so much?"

Molly Moon and the Incredible Book of Hypnotism

Molly Moon meets three of the basic principles in that there is an orphan, a mad-eyed dog and acts of hypnotism which involve people's eyes turning green when they're under the influence. It's a perfectly harmless film with a couple of laughs based around madcap animal behaviour but is largely formulaic in delivery. The young actors play their roles well enough and the adults take their cheques with little effort or concern for the end product. Joan Collins gives it a go at menacing but this cannot distract you from the work/make-up miracles on display.


Adult score: 3/5
Child score: 4/5
First thing the child said when the film finished: "Are there any more of those films?"